Friday, May 22, 2015

Movie Review - "The Culling"

My daughter grabbed The Culling from our local Redbox, because that's kind of our thing - watching horror movies. Sometimes, we find some real gems. This was not the case with The Culling. We found the anti-gem. This movie was the worst thing I've sat through since my mom's funeral. Worse, in fact - at least at mom's funeral, someone was in a better place.

srsly, guize

I looked it up on Facebook, and guess what? It has 308 page likes. THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHT. I had to do something about this, so I put the following warning out on Facebook:

Holy shit; it's jumped up to 314 likes since last night.

One of my dearest friends, Valerie asked, "Worse than Van Helsing?"

Van Helsing was awful. Disagree? I don't care. You're wrong.

Okay, you get the point. The movie sucked. But let me just wrap it up with this, because I felt this post with a burning, white-hot passion as I put a permanent crick in my stupid old man thumb typing it on my phone last night:

That's right.

And there you go. If you watch this movie or allow someone you love, hate, barely know, hooked up with a dozen years ago and got a STD from, suspect of being a serial killer, or once sat next to on a plane to watch this movie, you are the worst kind of person.

I don't have a rating system, but if I did, this would get something along the lines of "minus five thousand stars times infinity" or "explosive diarrhea in a public place." Seriously.


  1. Oh my God, I'm dying! I'm dying from the excessive shedding of tears over your hilarious movie review. I might have been tempted to watch it just for the sheer train wreck compulsion had you rated it just regular, run of the mill diarrhea. But explosive diarrhea? I draw the line. ;) Glad to see you online!

  2. Not just explosive diarrhea - explosive diarrhea in a public place. Like, you're nowhere near home, surrounded by people. At the mall, maybe? Or at the theater, about twenty minutes into the new Mad Max movie?

    Anyway, yeah, please don't watch it. Trust me, I'm doing you a favor.

    Thanks for the comment!