Where the hell ya been, Dave?
Okay, so it's been a long time since I've posted anything here (aside from yesterday's awesome Cannibal Corpse review), and believe me, my phone has been ringing off the hook with calls and texts from many very important people asking, "When are you going to drop some more amazingly engaging blog posts on us, champ?" (The "champ" was from Obama; that's what he calls me.)
Anyway, the answer is: mind your own damned business. Okay, that's not the real answer, but sometimes my wittiness just overtakes me.
The real deets, broken down in a pie chart (as I understand it, the kids love pie charts):
Not included, because it's a constant: ignoring your stupid Facebook posts.
Notice there's no slice of the pie for "writing awesome things." That's because I haven't been, and frankly, you're the ones who suffer, so for that, I apologize.
However, despite not writing, I've been keeping up with the hot-button issues, formulating opinions and allowing them to simmer in my ample, powerful, creamy creative juices, just waiting for the climatic moment to unload them all over you. Grab a towel.
Shocking issue #1:
What? A lady in Kentucky hates the gays?
The charming, irrepressible Kim Davis
Yes, people really got upset about that. Who cares? Someone in Kentucky not helping gay folks is more common than a lower back tattoo on a woman entering her forties. BFD. The best thing to come out of this issue was:
Laugh, then move on.
Shocking issue #2:
Bill Cosby will drug and rape everybody
That's right; Cliff Leonard Part 6 Huxtable has been accused by about seventeen thousand women of slipping them a roofie and getting his zippidy-zoppidy-doo on. Now everybody wants to protest his shows - meanwhile, I can't help wondering: How in the hell is Bill Cosby still performing? People are paying money to go watch his rambling, incoherent, un-funny stories? Did I fall asleep and wake up in 1978? If you've ever seen his clean, unfunny comedy, you had to know there's something deeper and darker under there. Nobody can be that damned nice for a living and not have a basement filled with chained-up drifters used for weird sexual gratification and/or Satanic rituals. Trust me; I'm very smart.
Shocking Issue #3:
Former Olympic athlete tucks junk, says "Yo, I'm a gal."
Comic Sans to really drive the point home that you're stupid if you care about this.
I don't get all the hubbub about this. Has Bruce Jenner been relevant since the late 70s? If he wasn't caught up in that undoubtedly weird-smelling and probably sticky-to-the-touch posse of Kardashians, what would he be doing? That Wheaties box was a long time ago, friends.
Look, I get that it doesn't make him/her HEROIC. I saw all of your dumb, indignant Facebook posts about how soldiers are the real heroes, blah blah blah. Here's the point, though (and I'm serious here - take notes): The industry celebrating his/her "BRAVERY" and "HEROISM" is the same industry that keeps you hypnotized with insultingly dumb sitcoms, masturbatory award shows, and "reality" television. It's Hollywood - the fakest thing to ever be fake!
REPEAT AFTER ME: It's not real, and it doesn't matter.
That's all you need to know. Stop finding shit to be indignant about and live your life.
Shocking Issue #4:
"Achy-Breaky Heart" spawn Hannah Montana descends to TPC level.
The complicated evolution of a serious artist.
Miley Cyrus has gone from a cute teen star making bad television and bad music to an out-of-control trailer park chick making bad life choices. My kids used to watch Hannah Montana. Now you can't swing a Billy Ray Cyrus platinum record without hitting nude pictures of Miley. It's bizarre and, like everything else, DOESN'T MATTER. It's only good for comic relief.
Hundreds of years from now, we'll wonder why either of these people were a thing.
Okay, I've lost interest in this. So much ridiculous stuff happens every single day that it would be impossible for me to cover everything. I have much more important things to do than to try to edify you on it all (Northwest Florida Breakdancing Championships, "Enlarge Your Manhood" emails to categorize and research, football to watch, FarmersOnly.com profiles to search, complex algebraic formulas that lead to realistic intergalactic travel to write, toenails to clip, etc).
Oh, one more thing: we're still a year away from the next presidential election, and you f*ckers are already making Facebook insufferable. Here's a tip: Donald Trump isn't going to get the Republican nomination, Bernie Sanders isn't going to get the Democratic nomination, and your political opinions are about as relevant to the world as the Full House reunion. Nobody cares what you think. You aren't smarter than everybody else. No matter who is elected president, nothing will change. Get out of your little partisan echo chamber websites and off your high horses. Enjoy your lives.
That lying African Muslim antichrist radical constitution-hating terrorist who somehow made a deal with Allah to become president is comin' fer my gunz, I just know it!
There's so much you could be doing right now that doesn't involve arguing with idiots on the internet about who you think should be the next neutered figurehead leader of the good ol' US of A. Read a book (preferably Cherokee Spleen, which has been referred to as "the greatest collection of words put together in the history of mankind"*). Spend time with your kids. Stop driving like an asshole. Stalk old girlfriends/boyfriends on Facebook. Learn how knit. Stop the spread of skinny jeans on men. Send me a check for $50. Move the headstones of an Indian burial ground, but leave the bodies. Stop worrying about being anything but a good person. Take the truck nutz off your car. Drink some coffee. Climb a tree. Hang out at the mall and tickle random strangers. Watch a scary movie (but not The Culling, for the love of all things holy). Listen to "Safety Dance" ten times in a row. Stop getting worked up over who's rubbing their genitals together.
Here's a tip: when you read something on DAH INTERNETZ that you don't like and you think you should share with the world, try this:
It's surprisingly effective.
Above all, realize life is short. Seriously, I was 20 years old about two weeks ago full of piss and vinegar, ready to change the world. Now I'm 43 and guess what: I haven't changed the world. I made some lovely kids, vomited and peed in many exotic locations around the world, and wrote a bunch insignificant fluff, but really, what does it mean?
Soon enough, your kids will be feeding you and wiping your ass (that's right, my four precious little daughters, take note), and do you know how important all your fist-pounding self-righteousness over politics and the state of America will be? I bet you can guess. Your kid is going to be wiping creamed corn off of your chin and thinking one of two things: "Aww...my poor father/mother," or "Hurry up and kick already; I have a life to live."
Don't be that guy.
In short, just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD.
I'll leave you with this inspirational picture quote:
99% OF YOU WONT SHARE THIS BUT 1% OF YOU ARENT AFRAID LIKE AND SHARE NOW AND GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO U IN DA NEXT 24 HR
*Quote from the author himself.